“The self by definition is that which is forever unfinished"

My daughter has been complaining about leg and knee pain lately “I don’t know, Mom. It comes from nowhere and it hurts very deep inside of my body.” After assessing the situation, I told her: “You are growing”. These are growing pains. You are getting bigger.” It made me think for a while. Does growth hurt? And if growth really hurts, what kind of pain are we talking about? Turns out, it’s not only physical growth that hurts. What I’ve found is that what we call “pain” can also be named as fear, resistance, confusion, heartbreak, and so on. Transitions are painful. Here’s the catch: growth involves a good amount of grief. Something that has a shape, dissolves and it takes up a new dimension. A whole new size. This reorganization can be both painful and exciting, scary and fun and, in some cases, can bring a lot of stuckness in us. To be clear and opening a big parentheses: thegrowing pain I’m talking about here isn’t the “pushing yourself out of your comfort zone” type. I wrote recently somewhere that if somebody knows the address of a comfort zone, let me know because I want to go there. We are all suffering from thepain of living under a system that “pushes” us to be over achievers, competitors in an unnecessary uncomfortable pressure and is unrealistic with the social, financial, political, racial situation. It’s cruel because it keeps us isolated, comparing and re-creating feelings of lack, inadequacy and unworthiness. And, it makes a lot of money at our expense and vulnerability.

I’m more interested in the growing pain that belongs to life’s process. The ones we all have to walk through: death, marriage, divorce, having a child, not having a child, changing career. I’m curious how we are normalizing what comes with growth: the grief, the new agreements, boundaries, losses, joy. What has been hurting lately for you due to your growth? What part of you has been expanding? Do you notice theambiguity that comes with growing? The wish to stay the same, the fear of what is ahead, the criticism yelling? We are, in most parts, always evolving. Not at the same time or pace, not in all areas of our lives, not so much outside so the world can “see/celebrate” but most often, silently, inside of our own being. This process, like any other, isn’t linear, in fact, it’s very circular and can be quite confusing. I wonder if we’d face the discomfort that comes with growing with more openness, we’d proportionately be able to enjoy, celebrate, savor our expansion, even though it can come with grief, loss, pain? Is it possible to hold both things while you expand 2 inches outside of your body? How are you acknowledging your growth, even if tiny? Do you talk about it with a friend, do you pause to witness it, do you notice it? If not, I’d encourage you to get curious why. Not so much for the “positive-vibes-gratitude- diary” but rather to begin a practice of belonging to yourself-in-process. A practice of letting yourself be surprised by your capacity to expand, of your capacity to dissolve, reorganize and take up new forms. With this permission, there’s a gap and this gap is what contains the beat of life.

With love,
Mari